Thirteen things I learned from watching Paranormal Activity 3 (contrary to how I would normally feel compelled to act in a haunting experience):
1. If a demon is possessing your house, shrug it off like it's nothing and it probably will go away on its own without any intervention.
2. If your kid is talking to an "invisible friend", qualify who this friend is by asking a few questions. Also, it might be in good form to show concern when that "friend" is described as easily angered and older than Grandma. Oh, and living in the creepy eaves like closet space in your daughters room.
3. At moments where your possessed house shakes like its an earthquake, it's perfectly fine to take a break, and video tape yourself using paraphernalia and smoking things while engaging in foreplay with your boyfriend. That is really responsible parenting.
4. If you're the baby sitter for the children in a demonic home and you hear a noise in the kids bedroom... immediately go check it out. While in there, if a demon entity punches you in the face, you shouldn't wake the kids and bring them to safety... without hesitation step back quietly, peer at the sleeping kids 12 inches from where you were attacked and leave them helpless while you walk quietly down the stairs to wait until the parents come home several hours later. Definitely. Good move.
5. If you're the babysitter and without knowing there appears a demonic ghost in the shape of a kid under a sheet behind you... yeah, wait 10 minutes then turn around - NOT before. When you notice there is a weird sheet on the ground behind you, don't waste time questioning where it came from, just fold it and continue reading.
6. If you're a male sitter watching a female child and helping out your buddy, it's a really good idea to take that child into the bathroom, turn off all the lights, and play Bloody Mary.
7. If a demon scratches your body while playing Bloody Mary in the dark, you should pretend everything is fine. Because, that was just an "accident", everything is really fine.
8. While the house is shaking like an earthquake from the demon, and while it's throwing around the furniture like a tornado outside of where you are trapped, it's a good idea to open the door of your safe place several times to *watch*.
9. If your home is trashed by the wrath of an unseen demon entity while you are trapped in the bathroom, after things calm down you should not leave the house immediately and bring the child with you. You should instead pick up the mess the demon made. You don't want people to think you're a slob of a baby sitter, do you?
10. When your kid tells you a demon pulled her hair and levitated her body three feet above the floor, tell her to shut up and quit whining. OBVIOUSLY she's just looking for attention, and besides... what does she know anyway? There are no such things as ghosts or demons. Whiny brat.
11. Completely ignore and refuse to acknowledge any video tape recorded at your home, by your boyfriend, that proves your home and children are being attacked by a demon. Out of sight, out of mind.
12. It's OK to repeatedly refuse your mother's multiple requests to have you stay at her home in lieu of your possessed one. UNLESS the entire kitchen disappears and then 10 seconds later falls from the ceiling. Then I suppose it's alright.
13. If your home is still possessed, after doing nothing and ignoring it, blame your boyfriend for everything. That will surely put an end to things.
The fact that there are thirteen numbered items is completely coincidental and not associated with some weird kind of cult fascination of needing to have thirteen things.
I almost had 9 things.
That is all.
