10 Things That Irritate Me

1.  Windshield wipers that operate on useless POS speed 10 levels of power less than the torrential downpour you are in.
I mean, why would I *actually* need to SEE in the amount of downpour that typically requires two of every animal to be hidden on a large boat? Seeing while you drive is HIGHLY overrated, I'm sure.

2.  People that start offensive, opinionated, insulting monologues with the phrase, "No offense, but... (insert random BS telling you who they think you are and what you need to do).".
My retort?
Abbie: "No offense, but... your really an awesomely unperceptive person, and a rather laughable human being at that.  You may actually be the longest living relative to Cro-Magnon man.  I'll strongly consider taking your ludicrous advice right around the time I decide to permanently switch from female razors to sand paper.  I'm curious, how long have you been dealing with your Narcissism?".

3.  The word, "Relax", being screamed at you when you are really legitimately upset and hysterical.
Without fail, this spins most women into "Fembot-with-malfunctioning-wires" mode.  Steam starts coming from our ears and bullets projecting uncontrollably from our nipples.

4.  People that ignore the sidewalk and purposefully walk in the middle of the street, and/ or assume you should immediately stop your car (regardless of your green light and their jay walking) because they are on an unbridled pedestrian mission from god that CAN NOT be interrupted by my vehicle.
News flash: you're actually not a Jersey barrier, you WILL break.

5. People who don't pick up their dog's monstrous crap, and leave it right at the end of my driveway for me to run over with the toddler stroller.  Thanks for that pleasant unexpected gift, because really, as I'm still potty training little kid I most DEFINITELY need more crap (literally) infused into my life.  AS IF!

6. When a falcon sized bird poops on the inside door handle of your car... And you don't realize it until your hand squishes in it.
Dood.  Bird.  (Holding in projectile vomit) C'mon!  Really?  I obviously was wrong and pterodactyls DO still roam the earth.

7.  Having something be lost, getting lost, Lost ANYTHING.
This immediately flings me into a panic attack and I'm angrily throwing and dumping poo everywhere while trying to hold back tears from this horrible nightmare I was just flung into within seconds.
Ok, so maybe I need to take up yoga, or a mental health professional for my anxiety...   :-|

8.  When someone leaves a floater in the toilet or little sprinkles of pee on the seat for my butt to slip and slide with or at my feet for my toes to splash around in.
Eeeeeeeewwwwwww.  'Nuff said.

9.  When the weather report says its 99% humidity.
WTF?  Is the computer system dealing with some weird weather Y2K bug and you can't round up to 100%?  Seriously?!?  What happened to the leftover 1%?  Is it in a random offshore weather bank account?  Shady operation you are running there weather person. Shaaaaady.

10.  The MOST IRRITATING award goes to the "Random grocery store stalker".
You know this individual, that soulless "being" who talks at you in the produce isle... and within two minutes you have heard about her five C-sections and how one just "wasn't right and still isn't", and how all of them were 11 lbs or over.  It doesn't end there.  They follow you down each isle, even after you have managed to escape their succubus-like demonic spell, re-initiating the endless stranger horror stories as if you have been friends for twenty years and your rushed disappearance is just a short pause in your conversation until the next isle run in.
THANK YOU PEAPOD.

My own blogathon!

I'm not entirely sure how many followers subscribe to these posts, and/ or how many people actually read these things (I only see numbers and some comments), but I'm sure by now (if you are doing either) you have recognized that I have been publishing one blog post per day as of late.  Although I have not participated in a blogathon, I sort of wanted to challenge myself to see if I could actually post one blog a day as if I were in one.  So far so good, there are plenty of subjects that strike my fancy to write about in the very peculiar way that I do.  Most definitely at one point I'm going to have writers block... But that's what beer or wine was invented for!  The muse of the gods!!!  

Anyways, I digress, I'm excited about it, and am really trying everything I can in very creative ways to post like a good blogger.  On one hand it's cathartic, and it's really great to be able to depend on at least one thing to be consistent in my life right now... in addition to getting all these thoughts out of my head.  On the other hand, it's hard to believe it's resonating with people.  Ah well, I'll continue to convince myself that brilliance lies within insanity, and that's my excuse for not having too many people "get" me.  I'm insane!  That's alright with me... as long as you all are willing to say "Hi" along the journey, and hopefully keep reading and following... That makes Abbie very happy.  :)

Until next time, I bid you adieu.  Hold your breath until the next post... ;)

Piss and Vinegar

Snoopy after a zombie has eaten his brains and he's gotten grumpy.

Piss and vinegar is something I refer to myself being filled to the brim with sometimes.  Side note: maybe that's why my first child has acid reflux?  Coincidence?, I think not.  Not every day do I act this way, but this feeling of everything just sucks (you know, having "one of those days") creeps up from time to time.  Although, in my own defense, several members of my household can be quite full of it themselves - and more often than I.  For me though, there is really no excuse... I just take it to a whole new level when I don't really need to.  I'll be the first to admit that I came out of the womb bitter, with a shiv and swearing.  Which, actually(?) may in fact be quite correct.  I've always had a mistrusting chip on my shoulder.  I find a way to complain about EVERYTHING.  People used to ask why I was so angry (based on my expression of haggard grumpiness), when I was perfectly happy.  I'm bitterly sarcastic, even when sarcasm isn't called for.  Yup, on the outside a normal looking person, on the inside - a bemoaned, curmudgeonly old hag who despises anyone who smiles.  I'm just a few years away from an abandoned crooked house filled with cats, and a "The Witch is IN" sign on my doorway.  Well... maybe not SO much.  As I have gotten older, my distrusting chilly disposition has melted a wee bit.  Now instead of piss and vinegar, I'm more like mildly dirty bath water sprinkled with shots of lemon juice.  Kind of soothing and refreshing but that quickly diverts to random episodes of sharp stinging jolts chocked full of awful bitterness.  Mmmm... I'm sounding sooooo pleasant... it's really surprising that people aren't knocking down my door to be friends.  **Chuckle**

If you aren't familiar with this, some examples (not all of these are me, but you get the idea) of being filled with piss and vinegar are:
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed, every day.
Everything is wrong starting from the moment you open your eyes.
Your lucky charms just sucks today, and you'd rather starve.
You can't stand the way your clothes look/ fit/ smell.
Your toothpaste is burning your mouth.
Everyone sucks, even the nice neighbor smiling at you.
As you walk to the bus, you spill coffee down the one friggin' shirt that you can't wash or dry clean.
You suggest to your coworker that they have chronic halitosis.
You stubbed your toe and cracked your nail in half, now blood is filling up in your shoe... you shout "AWESOME!" angrily at the Starbucks employee.
Your new suede jacket got splashed with dirty city sidewalk puddle water, and you want to rip it off and scream at it.
You piss someone off, and then demand they stop treating you like crap.
You're home from work and there is nothing in the fridge you like... so you cry.
At least you have peanut butter.
WTF, you're out of PEANUT BUTTER?!?!?  WHAT ELSE????  LOCUSTS?
And the list goes on and on...

You can plainly see how one bad attitude can escalate into a web of self spinning hatred and disgust towards everyone and everything.  Swearing is a temporary fix towards your plight, but honestly it just adds to the downward spiral of negativity (although it's great to see people jerk back shocked that *little old you* sounds like a dirty sailor).  Most often a smack in the face of ice cold water (or a hand, or a frozen fish), some incense, a LARGE glass of something with a proof percentage to it, and a shower helps lessen the tension.  Until the next day when you're filled with it again for no damn reason by 9 am.  Maybe someone should just chuck medication into my mouth as I walk out the door. At least if I choked on it, I'd have a legitimate reason to be grumpy.  On the upside, you don't waste money on bug spray... one bite and they drop dead from the acidity in you.