Walking to a hair dresser appointment the other day, I was feeling so excited that I was FINALLY going to get something done about the rats nest of mousy hair that lay upon my crown. When lo and behold, my excitement turned to shock when I saw something peculiar on the sidewalk in front of me... what was that? Oh dear me, it's a dark brown braided hair extension weave... but, on the sidewalk? Now, I'm certainly not suggesting I know anything about hair weaves, but it's my understanding these things don't just fly out of ones hair wisp-ily as if a slight wind - from oh, say a bus - passing by could take it away. These things are actually fused and attached to the real hair pieces on your head - which can take multiple hours to do this attaching. I found myself looking around desperately, as if I had found a condom lying on the sidewalk or something and I wanted to see if anyone else had also laid witness to this disgusting faux-pas. Because, I mean... ewwwww. Surely in this business conservative ocean of hurried black, gray, and beige SOMEONE would notice this disgrace. Not even so much as sneer at this lone hair weave. Nope, just me.
So, this lone hair weave strand was laying harmlessly on the side walk... and during my desperate search for someone else to chime in saying, "How disgusting!" I look up and see that it's directly in front of a gentleman's club. I'm thinking, ahhhh - so that's the missing clue. It's mere proximity to a place such as this opens up the story of this simple, lonely, innocent hair weave to a whole new slew of deviant behavior behind it's placement here on the sidewalk.
Who did it belong to?
Was her name Starfish? Or, Constellation? Baby girl?
Now the web spinning starts...
My explanation of this back story came very quickly, and basically took the rest of the walk to the hairdressers to devise.
Her name was obviously Luscious, and she was a visitor to this club from Las Vegas. During her hiatus from her normal venue, she was making new friends and also finding a new love interest in the bouncer. Luscious must have been hooking up with this bouncer secretly for months, and in doing so totally stabbing her new dancer friend Baby-gurl in the back because the bouncer was HER boyfriend. This is all calculated from the positioning of the hair weave on the sidewalk and the distance of the weave from the front door of the club. When Baby-gurl got tired of her boyfriend making glances at Luscious on stage and confronted him about it, an argument ensued. The argument happened last night just after her shift was over. Baby-gurl (armed with a few dancer friends also off shift, and some random guy she just met on the sidewalk) came out with fists flying as she screamed expletives at Tony the bouncer. News travels fast, and inside the club was buzzing about a fight going on just outside the door and that Luscious was mentioned in the screaming. Within 5 minutes the entire staff was outside watching the incident as it unfolded... Luscious leisurely following behind the stampede, top lip in a curl of disgust. Sticking her acrylic nail in her tooth and looking disapprovingly at Baby-gurl, she said, "What's all this sh** gurl? Why you up in his face like that??, talking all smack 'bout me?" Luscious decided to ignore the fact that Baby-gurl was known for her random acts of violence, and with a tattoo on Baby-gurl's back saying, "Yeah, I'm that bitch." she knew the sh** was about to go down. Baby-gurl lunged at Luscious, and in a plethora of cat fight sounds - the hair pulling and scratching commenced. It was like being a witness to a really bad alley cat fight, but only the cats are on steroids and talking in strange tongues.
After twenty minutes passed, Luscious - finally out of exasperation - retracted from the fight with six broken nails, fuchsia lipstick smeared across her face, tousled hair, a torn bra shirt and one pulled hair weave strand. Needless to say, Tony didn't follow her and the club owner banned her from ever working there again. Looking like disheveled trash, Luscious picked up her trick bag, shouted "F*** all you bitches!" and proceeded on the lonely walk of shame to her dark blue metallic hoopty. The whole club, and several bystanders on the street, stopped and watched as her Nevada license plate drove out of sight.
Without a doubt, that's how the events unfolded that night.
It's either that or someone's expensive hair weave got caught on their Prada laptop messenger bag on the way to that super important interview. Feeling like they didn't want to make a bad impression, they didn't waste time looking for it, and continued in pain en route to their destination.
It's abundantly clear to me now that I seriously need to stop watching Oxygen's "Snapped", and "Bad Girls".
WOW. I feel strangely compelled to shower after reading this post.
Soul Sucka Lollipop
Are you feeling like the grass is always greener on the other side lately?
Do you find yourself constantly making statements like, "I would sell my soul if I could just get a full nights sleep."
Does your boss suck and your convinced working for Satan would actually be better than anything you are tolerating right now?
Searching for an alternative to Ebola?
Look no further!
Introducing, "SOUL SUCKA" Lollipop!
Mmmm... Hell never tasted so good!
After just one lick you start to feel your problems gently melt away.
After two licks you will forget you even had problems in the first place... and after consuming just one lollipop - you will actually go to hell.
Since you're selling your soul there is no need to worry about those annoying things like silly little morals, responsibilities, and good conscience. With Soul sucka lollipop you can take your very existence away in just one pop!
Soul Sucka lollipop is not just limited to Tom Dick and Jane... it's also available in jumbo size for those corporations looking for that perfect gift that says it all!!
Are you tired of the same old corporate hiring gifts of the past? No more worrying over whether the gifts budget will cover that bottle of expensive wine or champagne for the new VP of Operations... just one Soul Sucka will be all that you need to send the message, "Welcome to Hell!".
Try out one of our packages today!
* The Hell In a Hand Basket package for $66.60, for when saying "Go to Hell" just isn't enough.
This package includes 6 rows of 6 regular sized lollipops and comes wrapped in vermilion cellophane to give it that extra special touch.
* The Hell Yeah! package for $6.66, for when you want to go to hell with gusto!
This package includes one jumbo sized pop, smothered in cayenne pepper and wrapped in red paper - because sometimes you want to feel the burn immediately and you're just too impatient to unwrap the cellophane.
Check out our other packages online... you won't be dissapointed. Because, Hey! You have no conscience!!!
Disclaimer:
As with any other mind altering supplements, please check with your physician before taking Soul Sucka. There are no guarantees that you will actually go to hell, you may actually just feel weird or deranged for a while. If for any reason you feel dissatisfied with the product, please call: 1-666-GOTOHELL and one of our customer service representatives will tell you to go to hell with someone else.
Possible side effects include (but are not limited to): hallucinations, nausea, vertigo, vomiting black tar, growth of horns at temples, hoarse throat, sunken jaundiced eyes, spontaneous uncontrollable pyrokinesis, feeling of being undead, developing hooves, loss of heartbeat and breathing fire.
Do you find yourself constantly making statements like, "I would sell my soul if I could just get a full nights sleep."
Does your boss suck and your convinced working for Satan would actually be better than anything you are tolerating right now?
Searching for an alternative to Ebola?
Look no further!
Introducing, "SOUL SUCKA" Lollipop!
Mmmm... Hell never tasted so good!
After just one lick you start to feel your problems gently melt away.
After two licks you will forget you even had problems in the first place... and after consuming just one lollipop - you will actually go to hell.
Since you're selling your soul there is no need to worry about those annoying things like silly little morals, responsibilities, and good conscience. With Soul sucka lollipop you can take your very existence away in just one pop!
Soul Sucka lollipop is not just limited to Tom Dick and Jane... it's also available in jumbo size for those corporations looking for that perfect gift that says it all!!
Are you tired of the same old corporate hiring gifts of the past? No more worrying over whether the gifts budget will cover that bottle of expensive wine or champagne for the new VP of Operations... just one Soul Sucka will be all that you need to send the message, "Welcome to Hell!".
Try out one of our packages today!
* The Hell In a Hand Basket package for $66.60, for when saying "Go to Hell" just isn't enough.
This package includes 6 rows of 6 regular sized lollipops and comes wrapped in vermilion cellophane to give it that extra special touch.
* The Hell Yeah! package for $6.66, for when you want to go to hell with gusto!
This package includes one jumbo sized pop, smothered in cayenne pepper and wrapped in red paper - because sometimes you want to feel the burn immediately and you're just too impatient to unwrap the cellophane.
Check out our other packages online... you won't be dissapointed. Because, Hey! You have no conscience!!!
Disclaimer:
As with any other mind altering supplements, please check with your physician before taking Soul Sucka. There are no guarantees that you will actually go to hell, you may actually just feel weird or deranged for a while. If for any reason you feel dissatisfied with the product, please call: 1-666-GOTOHELL and one of our customer service representatives will tell you to go to hell with someone else.
Possible side effects include (but are not limited to): hallucinations, nausea, vertigo, vomiting black tar, growth of horns at temples, hoarse throat, sunken jaundiced eyes, spontaneous uncontrollable pyrokinesis, feeling of being undead, developing hooves, loss of heartbeat and breathing fire.
Unproductive Sloth & the Autopilot button
Today I feel like an unproductive sloth. After no sleep due to the little wee one who had me up all night (literally all night from 9:30 PM - 5 AM screaming) in teething pain. I feel somewhat on par with a Sloth who has taken too many sleeping pills and chased those down with a bottle of Everclear and a horse tranquilizer. My speech is horrific... it's like I've regressed to a 6 month old and am limited to babble, but mostly just random Ga's and MMMmmmm's. I can barely function at all, and as an added bonus I appear to have lost all gross motor skills. Today I am an actual up close visual of the de-evolution of Homo Sapien. Using my legs this morning was an interesting experiment. I barely got one leg out of the bed before falling into a pile of bones and flesh on the floor. Maybe my bones have turned to that flexible cartilage like the kinds that squids and other cephalopods have? Maybe the aliens from the mushrooms outside DID sneak into the house last night while I was half awake implanting devices in my brain through my ear canal and now they are controlling my body functions. I can feel the alien mushroom cells multiplying in my DNA and dividing in my amoeba right now.
Quite frankly, I'm surprised I was even able to get out the door this morning to bring big kid to camp. Or pick her up on time. I did have two large 16 oz. coffees by 9 AM, chased by two red bulls before 12 PM - but neither the coffee or the red bulls have made a mark in my sheer exhaustion. My only saving grace is my ability to function via the autopilot button (it often takes over on days like this one). Somewhere in the middle of the night the empathy fairy presses the autopilot for me, and I wake up with the amazing ability to function on a normal level throughout the day as if I had a full 8 hours sleep. Not realizing what has actually happened, I continue moving through my day: picking up mail, making formula, feeding baby, feeding self, folding laundry, doing dishes, responding to business registration mailings, tax docs, etc. All without so much as a blink.
The autopilot button has been summoned in the past, and I am becoming quite fond of it actually. Those mornings in my early 20's when I was seriously hungover, and could barely muster up the skill to nourish myself with a bite of saltines. Then there is the all too familiar death job that sucks the life force out of you and your soul... you know that job that expects you to work the amount of four different positions for the pay of less than one? Not to mention the hours of this soul sucking position: usually it's 27/8... it's 27 hours a day / 8 days per week. Companies this despicable actually have their own special 8th circle of hell where the hours in a day and days in the week are longer then the normal earthly plane. If you do try to sleep or are caught at work doing this in this 8th circle of hell you are immediately inflicted with taser-like shocks to the system (similar only to a bolt of lightening). Yes, I have worked at one of these big *you're-a-number* companies before. Yes, it consumed my very being and was about to ultimately eat my soul. Only I was lucky enough to make a deal with Satan for a better life with the husband (then the boyfriend) instead of horrid company and now I'm out of that forever. Now I'm living in happy shiny land - AND I still got to keep my soul (for now). Although I am still not convinced the jury is out regarding whether or not I'll be flying commercial flights for Satan Air after this earthly realm. So if you are looking for good deals on Business Class, I can hook you up.
Wow, the autopilot button came in REAL handy then.
As I'm writing this I am watching Charlie and the Chocolate factory with big kid.
Random thought:
*Maybe there is a market for soul sucking candy?*
"Soul Sucka"... a lollipop so good you actually will go to hell after eating one."
Mmmmmmm, hell.
Quite frankly, I'm surprised I was even able to get out the door this morning to bring big kid to camp. Or pick her up on time. I did have two large 16 oz. coffees by 9 AM, chased by two red bulls before 12 PM - but neither the coffee or the red bulls have made a mark in my sheer exhaustion. My only saving grace is my ability to function via the autopilot button (it often takes over on days like this one). Somewhere in the middle of the night the empathy fairy presses the autopilot for me, and I wake up with the amazing ability to function on a normal level throughout the day as if I had a full 8 hours sleep. Not realizing what has actually happened, I continue moving through my day: picking up mail, making formula, feeding baby, feeding self, folding laundry, doing dishes, responding to business registration mailings, tax docs, etc. All without so much as a blink.
The autopilot button has been summoned in the past, and I am becoming quite fond of it actually. Those mornings in my early 20's when I was seriously hungover, and could barely muster up the skill to nourish myself with a bite of saltines. Then there is the all too familiar death job that sucks the life force out of you and your soul... you know that job that expects you to work the amount of four different positions for the pay of less than one? Not to mention the hours of this soul sucking position: usually it's 27/8... it's 27 hours a day / 8 days per week. Companies this despicable actually have their own special 8th circle of hell where the hours in a day and days in the week are longer then the normal earthly plane. If you do try to sleep or are caught at work doing this in this 8th circle of hell you are immediately inflicted with taser-like shocks to the system (similar only to a bolt of lightening). Yes, I have worked at one of these big *you're-a-number* companies before. Yes, it consumed my very being and was about to ultimately eat my soul. Only I was lucky enough to make a deal with Satan for a better life with the husband (then the boyfriend) instead of horrid company and now I'm out of that forever. Now I'm living in happy shiny land - AND I still got to keep my soul (for now). Although I am still not convinced the jury is out regarding whether or not I'll be flying commercial flights for Satan Air after this earthly realm. So if you are looking for good deals on Business Class, I can hook you up.
Wow, the autopilot button came in REAL handy then.
As I'm writing this I am watching Charlie and the Chocolate factory with big kid.
Random thought:
*Maybe there is a market for soul sucking candy?*
"Soul Sucka"... a lollipop so good you actually will go to hell after eating one."
Mmmmmmm, hell.
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