Ok, so I'm more than comfortable stating that I'm getting older. Unlike my sarcasm, my body doesn't seem to be maintaining it's fresh and youthful demeanor. As I continue to age, I feel equal parts of peace and enraged hatred at this reality. On one hand you have to recognize that you are losing your youth, but you are gaining wisdom and insight. Personally, I could take this idea of gaining wisdom if it didn't come with a peppering of body hair in random areas all over my body.
What the hell is the deal with the chin hairs? I mean, COME ON. REALLY? The worst is when you're in a meeting with your peers (or at a play date with a new mom), and you find yourself unable to stop the back and forth motion of your thumb while its feeling around for the little chinny's. That light scratch of the firm hair protruding from your chin on your finger tip is frigging addictive. Throwing away the tweezers and shaving my face from below the line of my eyebrows all the way to my chin would be considerably less effort. Maybe I could just grow everything out to relieve that bearded lady from her circus commitment (thinking to self: I have been wanting to change careers, and see the world more). The more I pluck, the more I consider adopting a beard and twisting it like a 16th century Spanish soldier's mustache. It could prove to be an excellent ice breaker, and I'm really not that skilled at conversation to begin with. I could twist and fondle it as I pondered world politics... "Hmmm... that's IN-TER-EST-ING." That twisting fondle motion with facial hair always comes across like you are a deep and philosophical person in the movies.
Even more problematic is the specimen that I like to call, the "Unicorn Hair". I found one of these growing out of the middle of my boobs. AWESOME. It was (as they are usually found) randomly placed outside of any normal area for hair and in a twisted little piggie tail curl smack in the middle of my chest - like a Unicorn Horn protruding from my body. My question to the universe was, "How the hell did I miss this long ass hair growing out of the middle of my chest?" Letting out a "GASP" upon its discovery, I quickly and covertly reached down into my cleavage and angrily ripped it out like a weed in a rose garden. Looking around praying to god that no one saw it. How many Target employees saw this horn and didn't say anything? Was this what the creepy old man at the inspection station was staring at, and NOT my boobs? Is that why he said, "I like my women a little natural." with that equally creepy toothless smile?
Crap. It's official... I am going to laser my whole body, starting with my shoulders.
What the hell is the deal with the chin hairs? I mean, COME ON. REALLY? The worst is when you're in a meeting with your peers (or at a play date with a new mom), and you find yourself unable to stop the back and forth motion of your thumb while its feeling around for the little chinny's. That light scratch of the firm hair protruding from your chin on your finger tip is frigging addictive. Throwing away the tweezers and shaving my face from below the line of my eyebrows all the way to my chin would be considerably less effort. Maybe I could just grow everything out to relieve that bearded lady from her circus commitment (thinking to self: I have been wanting to change careers, and see the world more). The more I pluck, the more I consider adopting a beard and twisting it like a 16th century Spanish soldier's mustache. It could prove to be an excellent ice breaker, and I'm really not that skilled at conversation to begin with. I could twist and fondle it as I pondered world politics... "Hmmm... that's IN-TER-EST-ING." That twisting fondle motion with facial hair always comes across like you are a deep and philosophical person in the movies.
Even more problematic is the specimen that I like to call, the "Unicorn Hair". I found one of these growing out of the middle of my boobs. AWESOME. It was (as they are usually found) randomly placed outside of any normal area for hair and in a twisted little piggie tail curl smack in the middle of my chest - like a Unicorn Horn protruding from my body. My question to the universe was, "How the hell did I miss this long ass hair growing out of the middle of my chest?" Letting out a "GASP" upon its discovery, I quickly and covertly reached down into my cleavage and angrily ripped it out like a weed in a rose garden. Looking around praying to god that no one saw it. How many Target employees saw this horn and didn't say anything? Was this what the creepy old man at the inspection station was staring at, and NOT my boobs? Is that why he said, "I like my women a little natural." with that equally creepy toothless smile?
Crap. It's official... I am going to laser my whole body, starting with my shoulders.
well now you know the plight of pubescent boys. Just be glad the voice isn't cracking and a slight breeze doesn't raise the flagpole
ReplyDeleteWhat is this flagpole you speak of?
ReplyDeleteDoes it have an Irish mast? ;)