Penii Garden **UPDATED w/Pictures**

They're baaaaaaack! And it appears they have returned with a vengeance. Against my better judgement last week I went out to the side yard and removed the alien discs. With latex medical gloves firmly melded onto my hands, I carefully *plucked* these rotting flowers of filth from my yard. Following with a *Pssssst!* spray of organic cleaner. Some of these mushrooms were so monstrous in size, I could barely fit them into a shopping bag (they were the same size as a dinner plate) - a garbage bag was the only option. I swear they had an evil grin on their underside that was mocking my efforts the entire time. The sick sadistic fungus.

So, now as I'm returning from a shopping trip with the kids... I noticed the return (%$#@!) of the alien mushroom colony. Only now it's changed shape to expand themselves into their own little mushroom crop circle pattern. An appalling sprinkling of alien mushroom braille pronouncing to their mother ship in the sky, "Attack! Attack!" Twenty little penis soldiers with elephantitis of the head sneering at me from below, and an extra special welcoming committee just outside of the fence near where I park the car. As if they decided to meet me halfway, and now are waving me into the driveway like those ground control guys with the light sticks signaling the landing path of the airplanes.

It doesn't stop there either!!! Today I took a picture of their growth progress, and the satellite discs have expanded. If that isn't bad enough, this garden of penii mushrooms is on full display for anyone walking by my front yard to see. Despicable, utterly despicable. I have no other option than to declare war on the fungus, I'm going all out and IT'S ON MUSHROOM PENIS SOLDIERS!!!! I just hope to god for my lawn's sake that they learn something from my wrath, and never return again.

So, if you see a mushroom cloud in the sky it's probably because I have used nuclear weapons of destruction on my yard to eradicate the army of penii filth growing there. My sincere apologies to anyone who breathes in the nuclear fungus death fumes.

Alien fungus is planning to destroy me

So, this morning on my way to bring big kid to summer camp I noticed something peering at me from behind the side yard fence. At first glance it appears to be some left over wood that we hadn't used yet for the fence project a few months back. Upon further examination (I'm midriff hanging over the fence staring now), it's a monstrous collection of mushrooms. They grew overnight.

Feverishly I start looking around the neighbors yards to see if they have the same issue. Surely the earth hugging female neighbors will have some mushrooms that they haven't removed. They would harm themselves before removing something from the earth that was randomly placed by nature. I know they must have something ominous in their yard too??? Peering through the kitchen doors onto their backyard, I see it. Yes!! It's a collection of mushrooms!!! WooHOO! I haven't failed miserably at lawn care maintenance.

Wait.  Ant farts. It's just a lawn sprinkler.
I AM a failure and a harbor-er of acid trip inducing 'shrooms.

I know, I know, you're thinking Mushrooms? Really?? That's worth a post??

These are not just any mushrooms I tell you... they are so big that I in fact question their chemical composition. It's absolutely impossible that these things are from planet earth, and are based in an environment of carbon and oxygen. The more I harp on it, the more I am convinced they have been placed here by aliens overnight and are pawns watching my every move. Their size is akin to medium satellite dishes colored in ecru with light brown bumps (radio signals I bet to their mother ship), armed with an entourage of miniature phallic soldiers surrounding the base.

It's more than creepy, it's downright frightening.

I am pondering the steps to remove them, but fear that in doing so will disrupt a tiny colony of aliens masquerading as mushrooms which will raid my home in the wee hours of the morning and implant tracking devices in my ears. All of my solutions involve some sort of vinegar or bleach, and I doubt that would even make a mark in these towers of putrescent filth. Abduction is a very strong possible outcome if I tamper with these mushrooms. That's how ridonculously big these freaking things are. Yes, I used the word RIDONCULOUS. It's either I face alien experimentation, quite possibly an abduction, or the mushrooms might simply burn my flesh when I attempt to remove them. Huge probes would definitely extrude from their mushroom center wiping out my eyeballs and half my face in one fell swoop. Kind of like that discovery channel show I once watched with hot husband where they showed barnacles mating. Male barnacles have a strange probe that extends something like 15 to 20 times their length in order to violate their neighboring female barnacles' cavity. The conversation at that juncture got awkwardly pointed toward sexuality...

Husband: "Did you see THAT?"
Me: "Why yes, yes I... uh, did. Um..."
Husband: "Are you strangely turned on by this, or is it just me?"
Me: "Actually I am utterly horrified - yet aroused."
Husband: "..."
Me: "Are the kids asleep?"

Personally I never liked mushrooms, or barnacles. They both remind me too much of body parts that are icky.
I do like my face and eyeballs though.

I'm all of a sudden hungry for a cucumber maki roll.
Fungus can suck it.

UPDATE: 7/22/2010
OK so when the Husband read this, he had some questions:

Husband: "Why do mushrooms and barnacles remind you of icky body parts? And what body parts... I don't understand."

Me: "Well Mushrooms look awfully phallic to me."

Husband: "Not all mushrooms, maybe a couple."

Me: "That's enough for me to write them off all together."

Husband: "What body part do barnacles remind you of?"

Me: "The other side of things... You know."

Husband: "Barnacles don't look like that to me at all."

Me: (thinking to myself) that's because it's not there, it's where the poop comes out.

Husband: "Why do you find those parts icky?"

Me: "I don't know I just do."

Husband: "What?? Do you prefer eunuch's then?"

Me: "Yes. Everyone in my perfect universe would be like a Ken doll, or a department store mannequin."

Husband: "Nice."