This Holiday it's Avoidance I'll Bring

Holidays can just absolutely suck. 

I've personally never been a fan of them.  Except, of course, for the ones that are very easy - like Halloween.  Halloween is easy-peasy.  On Halloween, I make my living scaring the crap out of people and just basically acting the way I want to act the other 364 days of the year. 

That's besides the point, I'm digressing, let's get back to the holidays sucking...

Having just finished the latest round of holiday fantastical "magic" with  Thanksgiving, I thought I would humbly appease all of the cynics, sarcastic people, shut-ins, socially challenged and even the not so socially challenged with a little acrimonious pick me up (given what we all endure over the holidays, this is an especially nice gesture from me.  Eh-em, you're welcome.).  Especially since the *magical* "Christmas" experience and the *awesome* New Years holiday are right up on our butts too.

Here's a little ditty I just conjured up.  I hope it brings as much bitter snarky laughter to you as it did to me.  Yes, I have serious problems.


This Holiday it's Avoidance I'll Bring
(Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things", Sound of Music Soundtrack)


Stuffed roasted turkey and rosemary potatoes
Hot as hell family rooms packed with crazy kiddos
Incorrectly spelled name tags adorned with festive bling
This holiday season it's avoidance I'll bring

Sparkly silver ornaments and sweet cranberry ale
Barely known relatives who's attitudes just friggin' fail
Turtle doves adorning much needed cocktail things
This holiday season it's avoidance I'll bring

Men dressed in their best and Gals matching with flair
If I don't get the hell out of here soon, I'll pass out on the stair
Nightmare Autumn gatherings that roll into Winter shindigs
This holiday season it's avoidance I'll bring

When the patience snaps
When the insults fling
When I'm feeling hopeless
I simply remember my emotional avoidance
And then I don't feel so bad

- A warm and fuzzy holiday song, by Abbie Nourmel

I See Dead People Eating Carbs

This was my fabulous idea for a T-Shirt.

Ever since that movie came out about the kid who could see dead people, I have adored the phrase: "I see dead people." Spoken in that eerie whisper voice, and in the same tone as if you were suggesting to a close friend you needed to leave the party because you just sharted a little in your pants. That phrase, however, is kind of a dead statement though (no pun intended) since that whole movie came out like 25 thousand years ago. My bigger T-Shirt invention problem was that I equally loved the phrase: "I eat CARBS." It's catchy, it's obnoxious, and just fun to scream out into large crowds in the middle of a busy street. Ever play the Penis game? When you scream the word Penis as loud as you can until it's downright embarassing? Well this is like that.

What's that you say? You never played that game, and what kind of sick freak am I? Don't put your higher than thou crap on me. You know that even if you didn't play that game, you desperately wanted to.
I can feel your eyes judging me. 

I thought to myself, "I could combine them and it would be a super fabulous T-Shirt! EVERYONE will want them!!" :)

I seriously think I could market this together with the added bonus of a six pack of beer. If you purchased the shirt it would automatically arrive with a DVD on how to obtain social skills in 5 easy steps, and a six pack of Natty Bo. Oh, and a diary to catalog your loneliness after the purchase.

It could be like the socially challenged starter kit... minus the video games and BB gun.

It would look something like this:

It would probably be worn by this guy:


Please kids, no trying this at home. Eating carbs and seeing dead people is not really as cool as it's cracked up to be, and it's definitely not for the faint of heart. You end up feeling very tired, bloated, gassy and are afraid to pee in the middle of the night for fear of dead people hovering over your shoulder blowing on your neck and vomiting black tar on your feet.

I speak from experience. It's totally uncool.