This Holiday it's Avoidance I'll Bring

Holidays can just absolutely suck. 

I've personally never been a fan of them.  Except, of course, for the ones that are very easy - like Halloween.  Halloween is easy-peasy.  On Halloween, I make my living scaring the crap out of people and just basically acting the way I want to act the other 364 days of the year. 

That's besides the point, I'm digressing, let's get back to the holidays sucking...

Having just finished the latest round of holiday fantastical "magic" with  Thanksgiving, I thought I would humbly appease all of the cynics, sarcastic people, shut-ins, socially challenged and even the not so socially challenged with a little acrimonious pick me up (given what we all endure over the holidays, this is an especially nice gesture from me.  Eh-em, you're welcome.).  Especially since the *magical* "Christmas" experience and the *awesome* New Years holiday are right up on our butts too.

Here's a little ditty I just conjured up.  I hope it brings as much bitter snarky laughter to you as it did to me.  Yes, I have serious problems.


This Holiday it's Avoidance I'll Bring
(Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things", Sound of Music Soundtrack)


Stuffed roasted turkey and rosemary potatoes
Hot as hell family rooms packed with crazy kiddos
Incorrectly spelled name tags adorned with festive bling
This holiday season it's avoidance I'll bring

Sparkly silver ornaments and sweet cranberry ale
Barely known relatives who's attitudes just friggin' fail
Turtle doves adorning much needed cocktail things
This holiday season it's avoidance I'll bring

Men dressed in their best and Gals matching with flair
If I don't get the hell out of here soon, I'll pass out on the stair
Nightmare Autumn gatherings that roll into Winter shindigs
This holiday season it's avoidance I'll bring

When the patience snaps
When the insults fling
When I'm feeling hopeless
I simply remember my emotional avoidance
And then I don't feel so bad

- A warm and fuzzy holiday song, by Abbie Nourmel

Seagull Managers - Part II

If you don't understand the above reference, it's basically this:

Sass holes (in this statement it's Managers) who swoop down out of nowhere, make a lot of noise, dump a lot of poop on you, and fly away.  Although the title suggests Management, this can obviously be used to describe quite a few people in life.  In my case there are seagull people who hover around my butt constantly (I'm being VERY generic here).  The main point in referencing this type of person, is the almost immediate reaction of anger and hatred towards this being for either the poop (or in my case the judgment) they are throwing at you.

So, I decided to scrap my last post about this subject, because well, I have a conscience.  I think in my never ending need to write ambiguously, I may have indeed been too generic and possibly offended many people without intending to (for further explanation about my inappropriateness please see my post: Foot In Mouth Disease).  I really was just sort of *irritated* at one particular *individual* (er-a certain man in my life), and I was ranting about their incessant need to point out that my site needs an editor and/or that I need to get better at checking my own grammar. Not only has there been remarks about my need for grammar, but also to the effect of the quality of my writing, and the subjects not being more realistic and thereby not funny.  So as you can imagine... I'm a little perturbed, sensitive, and *irritated* about the constant reminders.  This below letter goes for those pedantic blog squatters too.  Poo on you.

Dear Individual who perturbed me so:

I don't mean to be rude, but here's the down low...
Seriously, I BARELY have time to pee by myself let alone edit my posts.  In my infinitely rambling mind it's a damn miracle that I actually get these thoughts translated from the babble in my head to a language others can understand, and then even posted AT ALL.  So, you can take your pestering attitude towards my writing style and grammar errors and place it ever so gently where the sun doesn't shine... eh-em please, and thank you.

If and when I get around to fixing my English grammar, then I will do so.  Really, thank you SO MUCH for your consideration and feedback... but there's like a 99.999999% positive chance that I am well aware of the problems on my page before you tell me about them.  I just don't have endless screw off time to fix it.  In case you haven't read it - I have two living beings that are solely dependant on my ability to nourish them, wipe their butts and clothe them... so that is sort of my priority right now.  Not editing my posts.

Thanks,
Abbie


That being said, if you are an editor or a writer and you actually do this for a living (and/ or I have already spoken to you about this - you are not the subject of this rant) and can help me out of the kindness of your heart then fantastic!  Please, please, please, help.  Alternatively, if you are a pedantic Internet blog squatter and just want to offer your unsolicited boring advice to make me feel insecure, then you can bite me.