7 things to do on Halloween if you're apathetic

Halloween isn't for everyone.  Personally,  it's like my Christmas.  However, many people just don't feel the need to be festive - my husband included.  So, if you are among the few that are completely disinterested in this holiday, I have come up with some excellent tips on how to make it a lot more interesting for you.

(DISCLAIMER: Do not try this at home.  This reading material is for entertainment purposes only.  If you are under 18 you probably shouldn't be reading this.  If you do these things, you may actually be committed to an institution.  Just saying.  I mean, not really, but sort of.  So, I guess just make smart choices.  Maybe just turn on the Disney channel, put on a little rouge and some fangs for Christ sakes and call it an evening.) 


1. Run down the street in a diaper and cape screaming "IT'S CONTAMINATED WITH ENTEROVIRUS!" while you randomly throw your candy into the air, at old people, kids or at trees.

2.  Go back later and pick up all your candy, and hoard all the others too, since they're too afraid to eat yours and they probably tossed theirs in avoidance of an ER visit.  (SCORE!)

3.  Randomly answer the door while simultaneously blowing your nose and uncontrollably hacking into the dish.  Wipe your nose all along your sleeve for effect.  You'd be surprised how long your candy lasts and how many people politely run away from your stash. 

4.  Dress up as half Hannah Montana and half Miley Cyrus.  In one hand hold an over-sized Haribo bear whilst half your hair is twisted into a stunted unicorn horn, and in the other a Jem and the Holograms inspired outfit with a microphone laced with Disney images.  Say things like, "I'm being true to Miley," and, "Noh ah sayin'?" and, "Respect my journey."  (It is especially awkward if you say this while you repeatedly slap your inappropriate areas with a foam number one finger/hand.) 

5.  Skulk around your supermarket, especially around the candy sections, asking people if they want your signature.  Hiss at them while flicking a snake-like tongue when they say no.  Hand them your resume after.

6.  Wait for trick-or-treater's to approach your door while you hide in the bushes.  Then when they ring the doorbell, run out of those bushes dressed like a horse-headed-man.  Then take off your horse head, apologize, and explain to the kids that this is a direct result of you watching the Godfather at a very young age, and how they should be vigilant about TV ratings and viewing restrictions.  Also, they should avoid eating cannoli at any and all costs.

7.   Fill up "boo bags" with pennies, bobby pins, old keys, unused 3m strips, a few dryer sheets, odor eaters, and old pastel candies.  Ring and run neighbors houses - but then stand at the end of their driveway in clear eyesight.  Laugh maniacally when they look directly at you, strangely confused by your behavior, then wave and ask them if they are doing anything later. 

Home crap home

Sigh. 

That is about the only thing that I can summon up as a response to a vacation home I rented on Cape Cod with my family for two weeks.  Don't get me wrong, it was quaint, cosmetically beautiful, decorated in the quintessential cape cod beach decor with a subtle hint of farm house element to it.  But... I got really tired of dealing with fifty carpenter ants a day (which were competing with the beach cockroaches for the food.)  Spiders, ants and bugs a plenty.  Our first hour there my kids went to use the upstairs bathroom and wash their hands.  The water was on a total of 2 minutes.  This flooded the bathroom floor, which leaked through the ceiling and onto the main bathroom floor (which was a second flood needing to be cleaned up.)  Perfect start to a vacation, right?  As we were mopping up the water from the floors, we simultaneously took care of multiple carpenter ants which had found a home in many of the walls inside the house.  They were merrily climbing on the walls, across the floors, over the furniture, around the windows... EVERYWHERE. 

The problems with the upstairs sink were fixed within three days of being there.  Just in time for the second sink to start leaking and flooding the floor on the main level.  That was fixed within a day, so that wasn't too terrible... But then the shower doors came off of their hinge in my master bathroom.  I was able to fix that on my own and set it back on its track.  Have I mentioned how the beds squeaked to high hell if you even so much as scratched your ankle with your toenail?  Oh, and they were as comfortable as an old, overused futon with a cheap foam layer on top.  Two of the windows broke within an hour of being there.  Yup.  I know.  As if all these things were not enough to have dealt with while on vacation (for only a week mind you), I went to wash dishes after breakfast (on the morning of day 7) and the water refused to come out of the faucet but instead only through the spray nozzle.  Humph!  What the hell kind of vacation home was this?!  It was falling apart!  And worst of all, I just paid GOOD money for two weeks to be an exterminator and a fix it girl. Insert-swear-words-here.  Considering the condition of everything else, an executive decision was made to just avoid use of the dishwasher and call it a loss.  YAY.

What's my point in all of this rambling, you ask?  Well, do your homework when looking for rental properties.  Don't make the same mistakes I made, because I made them in haste and in a fit of exhaustion trying to just book something before I went insane.  Just because something opens up in the area you want, doesn't mean you actually WANT that property.  Listen when the owner describes it as an updated "older" home.  Ya, OK... don't you mean, "falling apart and barely holding itself together?"  I'm reminded of that scene in "A Good Year" where Max Skinner becomes the owner of a broken down vineyard overnight.  Upon describing the condition of this new property to his real estate agent, his agent simply states, "We don't say shabby, Max, we say: filled with the patina of a bygone era."  This was filled with the patina of a crap-tastic poop hole.  It really did look great - ONLINE.  The pictures were wonderful, and it even looked pretty.  Sadly, the reality was totally different, especially when you had a chance to peel back the lemon rind. 

We decided to just make peace with our little crappy home while on vacation, and spend as much time outside of it as possible.  What other choice did we have?  Were we exhausted from being outdoors all day and night?  Yes.  Was the vacation fun despite the problems?  Yes.  Were the ants and cockroaches victorious is winning their domain over this building and forcing us out?  Yes.  Next time will I seek out any amount of luxury even if it's in the size of a closet?  YES. 

Win for the ants.  Loss for Abbie.

Top 3 Easiest Diets

Why diet when you can continue to just live your life every day, and in the process also expose yourself to a number of viral and bacterial infections guaranteeing you rapid weight loss?  I've collected a few "diet" friendly illnesses for your Abbie Nourmel reading pleasure.  They're a little unconventional, but, hey, what diet isn't nowadays?

1.  The Stomach Virus Diet
Go to a mall bathroom, a preschool classroom, an elementary school or summer camp and touch at least twenty different doors or surfaces.  Do NOT wash your hands or use antibacterial gel.  Immediately bite your fingernails, or order a really messy sandwich that will ensure heavy finger licking and/or hand to mouth contact.  Buffalo wings are especially effective for this purpose.  Within 24-36 hours you'll be vomiting uncontrollably out of every orifice.   This will last for 2-4 days.  This diet is guaranteed to make you drop 5-7 pounds in 2-4 days. 

2.  The Flu Diet
This one is especially easy to catch - er - do during the winter months when you've packed on those pesky hibernation pounds.  Also, as my kids preschool teacher found out, it is very accessible even in June or through the summer months.  Hang around any public grade school or public recreation facility and make sure to touch the front doorknob.  Another option is to volunteer at an urgent care facility or just sit in the waiting room of one asking random people if you can smell their breath.  Within 2-5 days your entire body will feel so horrible that the thought of getting up off the couch to pee solicits feverish waves of emotional meltdowns.  The feeling that Ebola is easier to deal with frequently comes to mind while in this state.  Mainly because experiencing death over this flu seems like a wonderful gift from heaven.  After about 6-7 days of feeling hotter than Mars and your body seems as if it's just endured a swim across the Atlantic Ocean, you'll start to feel the subtle signs of being on the mend.  At the end of it all, none of your clothes fit, you've lost 10 pounds from a lack of eating brought on by sheer nausea and water loss from sweating profusely out of places like your neck, earlobes and belly button. 

3.  The Lung Infection Diet
Ah, the piece de resistance.  My all time favorite.  Or so my doctor seems to think, since I happen to catch variations of this little lovely EVERY SINGLE YEAR.  We're besties, the lung infection and I.  This one starts off harmless enough, with sniffles, a slightly off feeling and overall decrease in the ability to get a full breath.  Within 1-2 weeks you are hacking so severely that you barely catch your breath before the next bout of chest spasms occur.  Your eyes are bleeding slits from the force of the coughing and you are contemplating a job as the new mascot for RedBull.  Forget about eating.  You can barely drink water since everything you put in your mouth becomes a choking hazard.  You thrive solely on your mucus and tears.  Which there is plenty of, so no worries there. Once you're on medication for a week you finally start to resemble a person who isn't communicating a horrible airborne plague.  Oh, and you have probably dropped about 5-10 pounds as a result of being unable to ingest anything.  The bonus is that you have had one hell of a chest and abdominal workout for three weeks!  Abs of steel!

Disclaimer: None of these diets are real.  They are all real medical situations though.  I am not a doctor.  I have problems.  I am also not an ANIMAL!