7 things to do on Halloween if you're apathetic

Halloween isn't for everyone.  Personally,  it's like my Christmas.  However, many people just don't feel the need to be festive - my husband included.  So, if you are among the few that are completely disinterested in this holiday, I have come up with some excellent tips on how to make it a lot more interesting for you.

(DISCLAIMER: Do not try this at home.  This reading material is for entertainment purposes only.  If you are under 18 you probably shouldn't be reading this.  If you do these things, you may actually be committed to an institution.  Just saying.  I mean, not really, but sort of.  So, I guess just make smart choices.  Maybe just turn on the Disney channel, put on a little rouge and some fangs for Christ sakes and call it an evening.) 


1. Run down the street in a diaper and cape screaming "IT'S CONTAMINATED WITH ENTEROVIRUS!" while you randomly throw your candy into the air, at old people, kids or at trees.

2.  Go back later and pick up all your candy, and hoard all the others too, since they're too afraid to eat yours and they probably tossed theirs in avoidance of an ER visit.  (SCORE!)

3.  Randomly answer the door while simultaneously blowing your nose and uncontrollably hacking into the dish.  Wipe your nose all along your sleeve for effect.  You'd be surprised how long your candy lasts and how many people politely run away from your stash. 

4.  Dress up as half Hannah Montana and half Miley Cyrus.  In one hand hold an over-sized Haribo bear whilst half your hair is twisted into a stunted unicorn horn, and in the other a Jem and the Holograms inspired outfit with a microphone laced with Disney images.  Say things like, "I'm being true to Miley," and, "Noh ah sayin'?" and, "Respect my journey."  (It is especially awkward if you say this while you repeatedly slap your inappropriate areas with a foam number one finger/hand.) 

5.  Skulk around your supermarket, especially around the candy sections, asking people if they want your signature.  Hiss at them while flicking a snake-like tongue when they say no.  Hand them your resume after.

6.  Wait for trick-or-treater's to approach your door while you hide in the bushes.  Then when they ring the doorbell, run out of those bushes dressed like a horse-headed-man.  Then take off your horse head, apologize, and explain to the kids that this is a direct result of you watching the Godfather at a very young age, and how they should be vigilant about TV ratings and viewing restrictions.  Also, they should avoid eating cannoli at any and all costs.

7.   Fill up "boo bags" with pennies, bobby pins, old keys, unused 3m strips, a few dryer sheets, odor eaters, and old pastel candies.  Ring and run neighbors houses - but then stand at the end of their driveway in clear eyesight.  Laugh maniacally when they look directly at you, strangely confused by your behavior, then wave and ask them if they are doing anything later. 

Why chipmunks are the devil

Yes, CHIPMUNKS.

These cute little boogers are not only stinking adorable, but can also be tremendous pests.  I chase them out of my garage and away from the paint cans.  I spook them out of the holes in the side of my house.  (They were actually clawing away at the inside wall of my kitchen for a while.)  I rush them away from climbing up my gutters and getting stuck in my soffits.  I literally swerve my SUV and screech to a halt every day - while nearly ending the lives of my children and myself - trying to avoid hitting them as they bolt across the street.  Side note: Since when did chipmunks and squirrels have such a death wish?  WE HAVE DEATH WISH CHIPMUNKS!  WHY do they only bolt across the street right when a truck is less than 5 feet from their general vicinity?  Twice this week I have come across a gallon of dirt that has poured out of my retaining wall from what I assume to be the burrowing chipmunks.  Then I started to look around.  Literally every 9 inches there is a frigging hole the size of a chipmunk.  They are the devil.  A cute, little, furry, squeaking devil.  This is the side effect of living in the woods, in a rural town, where there are no street lamps but wild roaming turkeys.

I'm not one for killing helpless and adorable animals, so I'll have to figure out something else to repel the little poopers.  At least I can keep them away from my house long enough to infest another neighbor.  Ideally it would be that neighbor who hates me, and always looks the other way when I wave... purposefully.  I could bore the chipmunks to death by crowding them all in my dark unfinished basement with nothing but Dora The Explorer episodes screaming at full volume, on repeat.  Or, maybe I could stick my preschooler on them?  She has this particular pitch of voice when she is whining that is like a whistle scream, cymbals, and Freddy Kreuger nails on a chalk board - all combined.  It hits your ears with such a horrific pierce that you willingly want to stab your ear drums out with the nearest number 2 pencil and run down the street.  If that doesn't work she could definitely infect them with a horrible virus within hours by sneezing and coughing in the face and mouths of every one of them.  Perhaps either of those could inflict a certain amount of brain shock that they'd go running for the conservation lands.  Maybe I should put out mince meat pie?  What the hell is mince meat pie anyway??  Isn't it a natural repellent for just about anything?

After a small amount of research... VOILA!  My essential oils have come to save the day again!  Peppermint oil apparently works wonders with a slew of rodents: field mice, chipmunks, squirrels, gophers, etc.  Mr. devil chipmunk it's on.  I'm about to go all terminator on you with... wait for it... PEPPERMINT OIL.  Ooh... My chipmunk threats are so apocalyptic.  *Rolls eyes.*  I'll keep you posted, because of course you care, and won't leave out one oily detail. 

Over and out. 

Where do you put your Big Ass?

Seriously.  It's a real question.  Because this is a real thing.  And I don't mean your buttocks.  Believe it or not, there really are items you can purchase under the name, "Big Ass..."

That is what I found out the other day while indulging in a Coastal Living Magazine, sitting on the couch, minding my own business.  It's very difficult for me to have a normal response to the mundane every day things in life.  This is especially so when I have such an easy target for my deranged humor.  And then there it was... Glowing like a beacon of light from the magazine pages. 

Big Ass Fans.
"You'll like the way it looks.  You'll love the way it feels."

Because, I mean, come on... Who doesn't love a Big Ass?  Can I say Big Ass a few more times?  I don't think that's possible.  *Trying to restrain myself from uncontrollable potty mouth humor.*  Nope.  Maybe one more for good measure?  BIG ASS.  Nope.  Still not enough.  Once you start the Big Ass jokes you just can't stop. 

Where do you like to position your BIG ASS?  I like to position mine in a room with style.  Or perhaps position it over the veranda to ensure maximum air circulation to my area.  I'm snorting right now, I can't stop the laughter. 

OK, OK, I'll stop now.

Oh, dear lord, yes please.  Thank you.  Roaring laughter ensued, followed by snarky cackles for at least an hour.  I plastered all the social media accounts with it and of course had to follow up with a blog about it.  This was the best little gem so far on my family vacation.  A vacation, which up until now, has been filled with sick kids and work pings for the husband.  AWESOME.

Thank you, Coastal Living Magazine.  (Wipes tears of joy.)  Thank you.

Raspberry Blueberry Mint Smoothie

Here's another recipe post for you... Although today wasn't that hot, I was definitely needing a pick me up by three o'clock.  The final result was RIDONCULOUS.  This is lactose free, gluten free and vegetarian.  It was too delicious not to share.  :)


Raspberry Blueberry Mint Smoothie
Serves 4

1 cup of frozen blueberries
1 small package of frozen raspberries
3 medium sized bananas
2 cups of  coconut milk
1 TBSP of white chia seeds
1 TBSP of camu powder
2 TBSP raw honey (or maple syrup for a vegan version)
I large handful of fresh mint leaves (I left the stems on)

Mix together in your blender on the smoothie or ice cream setting.  If you don't have those settings you can just replace the frozen berries with room temp ones (as they will blend easier.)  Drink on its own, or mix with your favorite rum/ vodka.  It's lip smackingly delicious!

Ciao!
Abbie

Super Fruit Smoothie

Hi kids!  How are you?  No kidding!?  I know, it's been a while.  I will pretend that you have missed me terribly, and that you are dying to know what is in my crazy mind that will explode into a post today.  SPOILER ALERT: I've been busy being a super mom to my two little devils.  Shocking, I know.  And yes, they have been little devils.  Gorgeously delicious little devils... but devils none-the-less.  This summer (with the kids in camp at least a half day) I have decided to dust off my website and stop neglecting it so much.  I am also moving away from using Instagram and will be focusing on my Twitter account more.  So, if you are on Twitter, come find me and follow @abbienourmel!

Today's post is a recipe.  Those of you who follow me on Instagram already know that I am a bit of a foodie.  This picture received so much attention (on both of my social media accounts) that I decided to post the recipe on my blog.  It's been getting hotter and hotter these days, and my super fruit vegetarian smoothie is just the right treat to cool you down and replenish those vitamins.  :)  It's not only delicious but it supplies you with a host of vitamins and immune boosters.   It is best to use organic, non-gmo, and raw ingredients (if you can find them) to lessen your intake of pesticides and maximize the vitamin benefit.  Enjoy, and let me know what you think if you end up making it yourself!

Super Fruit Smoothie/ Sorbet

Equipment:
* Blender with shake or ice cream setting
* Spoon

* 1 banana
* 1 - 1 1/2 cups of frozen strawberries
* 1/2 cup of frozen blueberries
* 1 cup of pineapple chunks
* 1/2 - 1 cup of coconut milk (I use Silk brand coconut milk)
* 1 - 2 TSP chia seeds (white or black)
* 2 TBSP of dried raw mulberries
* 2 TSP of lucuma powder
* 1 TSP of camu powder
* 2 - 4 TBSP of raw honey (for vegan you can substitute with maple syrup or sugar)

Blend until all ingredients are smooth and creamy.  Try really hard not to give yourself a red mustache.  :)

Footnote: The less liquid you use (and the more frozen fruit) results in a thicker smoothie, and it becomes a sorbet or gelato consistency.  You can switch out fruit if you want, but I happen to like this little mix of fruit together.  I made mine to the sorbet consistency and topped it with fresh basil leaves, but you can just enjoy it straight from the blender.  It saves well in the fridge for a few days, and is EXCELLENT mixed with tequila or rum.  I mean, I have heard that it is?