Where do you put your Big Ass?

Seriously.  It's a real question.  Because this is a real thing.  And I don't mean your buttocks.  Believe it or not, there really are items you can purchase under the name, "Big Ass..."

That is what I found out the other day while indulging in a Coastal Living Magazine, sitting on the couch, minding my own business.  It's very difficult for me to have a normal response to the mundane every day things in life.  This is especially so when I have such an easy target for my deranged humor.  And then there it was... Glowing like a beacon of light from the magazine pages. 

Big Ass Fans.
"You'll like the way it looks.  You'll love the way it feels."

Because, I mean, come on... Who doesn't love a Big Ass?  Can I say Big Ass a few more times?  I don't think that's possible.  *Trying to restrain myself from uncontrollable potty mouth humor.*  Nope.  Maybe one more for good measure?  BIG ASS.  Nope.  Still not enough.  Once you start the Big Ass jokes you just can't stop. 

Where do you like to position your BIG ASS?  I like to position mine in a room with style.  Or perhaps position it over the veranda to ensure maximum air circulation to my area.  I'm snorting right now, I can't stop the laughter. 

OK, OK, I'll stop now.

Oh, dear lord, yes please.  Thank you.  Roaring laughter ensued, followed by snarky cackles for at least an hour.  I plastered all the social media accounts with it and of course had to follow up with a blog about it.  This was the best little gem so far on my family vacation.  A vacation, which up until now, has been filled with sick kids and work pings for the husband.  AWESOME.

Thank you, Coastal Living Magazine.  (Wipes tears of joy.)  Thank you.

New Webster's dictionary words (part deux)

"Out of the mouths of babes." - Psalms 8:2

In its traditional meaning, the above quote refers to children saying statements which are prematurely insightful or wise.  For today's post, I'll be using a less than traditional interpretation of the phrase.  Especially since these are words my toddler has regurgitated and I'm finding a way to twist that into something crass, dark and witty.  I'm such an excellent mother.  Anyway, these two little gems popped out of my toddler's mouth the other day.  I was lucky enough to have my phone's notepad ready to record these little verbal diamonds.  Since many words have multiple meanings, I have also provided multiple inappropriate definitions for your amusement. 
I think it's pretty obvious where I am going with this, so don't act all surprised and shocked.

TRAMPION 
/Tram-pee-uhn/  (noun)
1) A person (non-gender specific) who takes sleeping around to a sport like level; competitions are optional. 
2) An avid trampoline jumper who has advanced their levitating skills to a "champion" like ability.

HO-CANO
/Ho-kay-noh/  (noun)
1) A fierce explosion of promiscuity that hits you when you approach a brothel, seedy bar, or randomly at the ice machine of a Super 8 motel. 
2) A dizzy, spinning, inspirationally explosive sensation that overcomes you whilst perusing around your favorite DIY store garden tools section (similar to experiencing a volcanic eruption and a tornado at the same time).  This sensation is usually followed by an intense need to purchase the entire row of garden tools, starting, of course, with the hoe.
3) The overwhelming, uncontrollable onset of explosive gardening tool mouth diarrhea.  Most often, this affliction attacks the overknowledgable employee in the gardening section, with whom you randomly run smack into with your mouth dropped wide open in an "I don't know what I'm looking for?" look on your face.

I should start my own Abbie Nourmel dictionary. 
All the people would buy it. 
I'm not narcissistic, but thanks for putting that thought out there. 
I think I'm onto something here...  :D