10 Things That Irritate Me

1.  Windshield wipers that operate on useless POS speed 10 levels of power less than the torrential downpour you are in.
I mean, why would I *actually* need to SEE in the amount of downpour that typically requires two of every animal to be hidden on a large boat? Seeing while you drive is HIGHLY overrated, I'm sure.

2.  People that start offensive, opinionated, insulting monologues with the phrase, "No offense, but... (insert random BS telling you who they think you are and what you need to do).".
My retort?
Abbie: "No offense, but... your really an awesomely unperceptive person, and a rather laughable human being at that.  You may actually be the longest living relative to Cro-Magnon man.  I'll strongly consider taking your ludicrous advice right around the time I decide to permanently switch from female razors to sand paper.  I'm curious, how long have you been dealing with your Narcissism?".

3.  The word, "Relax", being screamed at you when you are really legitimately upset and hysterical.
Without fail, this spins most women into "Fembot-with-malfunctioning-wires" mode.  Steam starts coming from our ears and bullets projecting uncontrollably from our nipples.

4.  People that ignore the sidewalk and purposefully walk in the middle of the street, and/ or assume you should immediately stop your car (regardless of your green light and their jay walking) because they are on an unbridled pedestrian mission from god that CAN NOT be interrupted by my vehicle.
News flash: you're actually not a Jersey barrier, you WILL break.

5. People who don't pick up their dog's monstrous crap, and leave it right at the end of my driveway for me to run over with the toddler stroller.  Thanks for that pleasant unexpected gift, because really, as I'm still potty training little kid I most DEFINITELY need more crap (literally) infused into my life.  AS IF!

6. When a falcon sized bird poops on the inside door handle of your car... And you don't realize it until your hand squishes in it.
Dood.  Bird.  (Holding in projectile vomit) C'mon!  Really?  I obviously was wrong and pterodactyls DO still roam the earth.

7.  Having something be lost, getting lost, Lost ANYTHING.
This immediately flings me into a panic attack and I'm angrily throwing and dumping poo everywhere while trying to hold back tears from this horrible nightmare I was just flung into within seconds.
Ok, so maybe I need to take up yoga, or a mental health professional for my anxiety...   :-|

8.  When someone leaves a floater in the toilet or little sprinkles of pee on the seat for my butt to slip and slide with or at my feet for my toes to splash around in.
Eeeeeeeewwwwwww.  'Nuff said.

9.  When the weather report says its 99% humidity.
WTF?  Is the computer system dealing with some weird weather Y2K bug and you can't round up to 100%?  Seriously?!?  What happened to the leftover 1%?  Is it in a random offshore weather bank account?  Shady operation you are running there weather person. Shaaaaady.

10.  The MOST IRRITATING award goes to the "Random grocery store stalker".
You know this individual, that soulless "being" who talks at you in the produce isle... and within two minutes you have heard about her five C-sections and how one just "wasn't right and still isn't", and how all of them were 11 lbs or over.  It doesn't end there.  They follow you down each isle, even after you have managed to escape their succubus-like demonic spell, re-initiating the endless stranger horror stories as if you have been friends for twenty years and your rushed disappearance is just a short pause in your conversation until the next isle run in.
THANK YOU PEAPOD.