10 Things That Irritate Me

1.  Windshield wipers that operate on useless POS speed 10 levels of power less than the torrential downpour you are in.
I mean, why would I *actually* need to SEE in the amount of downpour that typically requires two of every animal to be hidden on a large boat? Seeing while you drive is HIGHLY overrated, I'm sure.

2.  People that start offensive, opinionated, insulting monologues with the phrase, "No offense, but... (insert random BS telling you who they think you are and what you need to do).".
My retort?
Abbie: "No offense, but... your really an awesomely unperceptive person, and a rather laughable human being at that.  You may actually be the longest living relative to Cro-Magnon man.  I'll strongly consider taking your ludicrous advice right around the time I decide to permanently switch from female razors to sand paper.  I'm curious, how long have you been dealing with your Narcissism?".

3.  The word, "Relax", being screamed at you when you are really legitimately upset and hysterical.
Without fail, this spins most women into "Fembot-with-malfunctioning-wires" mode.  Steam starts coming from our ears and bullets projecting uncontrollably from our nipples.

4.  People that ignore the sidewalk and purposefully walk in the middle of the street, and/ or assume you should immediately stop your car (regardless of your green light and their jay walking) because they are on an unbridled pedestrian mission from god that CAN NOT be interrupted by my vehicle.
News flash: you're actually not a Jersey barrier, you WILL break.

5. People who don't pick up their dog's monstrous crap, and leave it right at the end of my driveway for me to run over with the toddler stroller.  Thanks for that pleasant unexpected gift, because really, as I'm still potty training little kid I most DEFINITELY need more crap (literally) infused into my life.  AS IF!

6. When a falcon sized bird poops on the inside door handle of your car... And you don't realize it until your hand squishes in it.
Dood.  Bird.  (Holding in projectile vomit) C'mon!  Really?  I obviously was wrong and pterodactyls DO still roam the earth.

7.  Having something be lost, getting lost, Lost ANYTHING.
This immediately flings me into a panic attack and I'm angrily throwing and dumping poo everywhere while trying to hold back tears from this horrible nightmare I was just flung into within seconds.
Ok, so maybe I need to take up yoga, or a mental health professional for my anxiety...   :-|

8.  When someone leaves a floater in the toilet or little sprinkles of pee on the seat for my butt to slip and slide with or at my feet for my toes to splash around in.
Eeeeeeeewwwwwww.  'Nuff said.

9.  When the weather report says its 99% humidity.
WTF?  Is the computer system dealing with some weird weather Y2K bug and you can't round up to 100%?  Seriously?!?  What happened to the leftover 1%?  Is it in a random offshore weather bank account?  Shady operation you are running there weather person. Shaaaaady.

10.  The MOST IRRITATING award goes to the "Random grocery store stalker".
You know this individual, that soulless "being" who talks at you in the produce isle... and within two minutes you have heard about her five C-sections and how one just "wasn't right and still isn't", and how all of them were 11 lbs or over.  It doesn't end there.  They follow you down each isle, even after you have managed to escape their succubus-like demonic spell, re-initiating the endless stranger horror stories as if you have been friends for twenty years and your rushed disappearance is just a short pause in your conversation until the next isle run in.
THANK YOU PEAPOD.

Thanks for nut'in

Thank you, brown window spiders, for coming to my property, and making me afraid of death inducing bites on my butt every time I sit on my patio furniture. I love extremely toxic arachnid bites.

Thank you, dirty diarrhea diaper for exploding at a Japanese steakhouse restaurant, all over the car seat, my daughters last clean set of clothes and finally, my shirt.  That experience just makes me want to go out to dinner EVERY night.

Thank you city property tax employee, for making our conversation as pleasant as a colonoscopy with massive hemorrhoids.  You're demeanor was as warm as I imagine an icicle impaling my heart would feel.

Thank you, new postal employee who's filling in temporarily for the vacationing one, for returning my water bill back to the sender as undeliverable "not a legitimate address" because you can't recognize a new house on an old lot and deliver my mail... Ever.  I like teetering on the edge of knowing if my water will shut off... that's so exciting!

Thank you, migraines, for crippling me and reducing me to my knees every time a ray of sunshine breaks through the window or a sound enters my ears. Being coherent and able, and not bed ridden to a dark soundless cave is SO overrated.

Thank you, toddler, for not only slapping me, ripping hair by the root from my temples and kicking my face, but also for throwing a meltdown fit for a solid hour whilst screaming at decibels that would break glass directly in my ear - all the while I contemplate knocking myself out to end the pain of this experience. Childhood is so magical and beautiful.

Thank you, Diego, for being one of several preschool aged shows that literally screams at me to pet a frigging turtle (rendering it impossible to nap) while I am trying to distract my toddler for just an extra twenty minutes so that I may sleep for once in this god forsaken role of constant sleep deprivation.  I love your program, oh, and also want to see you choke on an Ostrich egg as soon as possible.

Thank you, toothless, creepy, gas station man, for smiling at me in a way that made me want to hide every pair of underwear and shoes I own for fear that you may follow me home and sniff or steal all of them.  Thats my favorite emotion, really.

Thank you, stalker, for making me change my number, remove myself from all social media, move from my home and hide behind a fake name for my protection.  I just adore living in fear of being discovered by a psychopath.  

Thank you, crossing guard, for not having any resemblance of a filter, and insulting everyone who walks past you on their way to dropping off their kids at school.  We definitely don't have enough judgement and frustration from our children in response to just GOING to school, your added commentary just makes the morning all the more FANTASTICALLY awful.