Thank you, brown window spiders, for coming to my property, and making me afraid of death inducing bites on my butt every time I sit on my patio furniture. I love extremely toxic arachnid bites.
Thank you, dirty diarrhea diaper for exploding at a Japanese steakhouse restaurant, all over the car seat, my daughters last clean set of clothes and finally, my shirt. That experience just makes me want to go out to dinner EVERY night.
Thank you city property tax employee, for making our conversation as pleasant as a colonoscopy with massive hemorrhoids. You're demeanor was as warm as I imagine an icicle impaling my heart would feel.
Thank you, new postal employee who's filling in temporarily for the vacationing one, for returning my water bill back to the sender as undeliverable "not a legitimate address" because you can't recognize a new house on an old lot and deliver my mail... Ever. I like teetering on the edge of knowing if my water will shut off... that's so exciting!
Thank you, migraines, for crippling me and reducing me to my knees every time a ray of sunshine breaks through the window or a sound enters my ears. Being coherent and able, and not bed ridden to a dark soundless cave is SO overrated.
Thank you, toddler, for not only slapping me, ripping hair by the root from my temples and kicking my face, but also for throwing a meltdown fit for a solid hour whilst screaming at decibels that would break glass directly in my ear - all the while I contemplate knocking myself out to end the pain of this experience. Childhood is so magical and beautiful.
Thank you, Diego, for being one of several preschool aged shows that literally screams at me to pet a frigging turtle (rendering it impossible to nap) while I am trying to distract my toddler for just an extra twenty minutes so that I may sleep for once in this god forsaken role of constant sleep deprivation. I love your program, oh, and also want to see you choke on an Ostrich egg as soon as possible.
Thank you, toothless, creepy, gas station man, for smiling at me in a way that made me want to hide every pair of underwear and shoes I own for fear that you may follow me home and sniff or steal all of them. Thats my favorite emotion, really.
Thank you, stalker, for making me change my number, remove myself from all social media, move from my home and hide behind a fake name for my protection. I just adore living in fear of being discovered by a psychopath.
Thank you, crossing guard, for not having any resemblance of a filter, and insulting everyone who walks past you on their way to dropping off their kids at school. We definitely don't have enough judgement and frustration from our children in response to just GOING to school, your added commentary just makes the morning all the more FANTASTICALLY awful.
Showing posts with label brown widow spiders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brown widow spiders. Show all posts
I officially claim today "Tazmanian Devil Day"
In the name of all that is holy... today was a crap storm from hell. I mean, when you feel like you just ran a marathon by 12 pm, that's a friggin' problem right?
It probably didn't help that I was up until 12 am with husband last night, or that the youngest one was up at the a** crack of dawn with a nightmare screaming (poor kiddo). We were gallivanting around our hood in celebration of his birthday all night last night. Ok, ok, so it was fun, *delightful* in fact. Here comes the ever present "but"... BUT, it just so happens that this was the fourth day consecutively of little to no sleep (insert stress dreams here) and my level of utter and show stopping exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks slamming down on the concrete sidewalk from the top of the empire state building. You know you're in trouble when the second iced quattro espresso shot soy latte isn't even opening your eyes. OH YEAH. That's commonly referred to in my world as Dante's eighth level of hell. COMPLETELY unbearable, and especially so with a two and a half year old that has a store of energy at 6:30 am of which only bouncing in a bouncy house at an amusement park would satisfy. At 9:30 am my eyes would not even remotely open, that's when I knew I needed to pull out the big guns. I half sleepy eyed jokingly asked my toddler to go fetch me a HUGE Redbull from the fridge... when hubby (to my surprise *actually* heard me, meaning he was LISTENING - HOLY WOW) brings me a 12 ounce Redbull. Thank you dear god. I love this man right now.
So, fast forward, and it's 10:30 am. I have now cleaned the entire house (4,300 sq ft+) in the last hour (our home is on the market and at any second a potential buyer could request a "showing"), fed said toddler, and packed us to go on our errand run... 1st stop: CVS. Top priority is to get mommy some anti aging crap so I don't look like a skeleton walking in daylight or worse - Joan Rivers. Mainly because the stress of this life is stripping away any youth I ever had, and then some. Second stop: post office to pick up mail (because if I don't, I'll destroy my credit from all the late bills I will have to pay out of sheer neglect), third stop: grocery shopping (I'm so bare bones with food right now, I don't even have OJ and am getting creative with school lunches [read: fruit gummy bears and soy cheese with ritz crackers]), fourth errand: picking up big kid from school (which was also half-assed and late because little one decided to take a monster crap in her pants one minute before I needed to leave to pick up big kid). It was a melange of psycho paced activity from 10:30 am until 2:30 pm. I won't bother you with the in between of meltdowns, screaming at the highest octave whilst shopping, and she's trying to jump out of carts or dart out into street... nah, that's not worth typing. Basically it felt like a race to run through as many activities as you could within 4 hours for a million dollar prize. Except the million dollars is a facade, and I'm borderline hallucinating from sleep loss.
It all ended with kids eating the fresh dinner I made while I proceeded to do a massive spraying of widow spiders on my property with the most lethal spray I could get my hands on. This stuff is AWESOME. I watched as the little eight legged heathen devil Brown Widow spiders writhed in agony drenched in the spray. I'm sorry, I really do love nature, but I love my children more... and the thought of a property drenched in Brown Widow Spiders is not my idea of a safe abode for my kids. They stood no chance in the wake of mommy inspired, exhaustion fueled hatred. I got a HUGE honking one that was connected to my favorite chair on the deck - ACK! No doubt this was the culprit "mommy" spider giving heathen birth to all these little devils basking out on my deck. *F---!*
After the kids bath time, cleaning of the ears, hair brushing, and all the other brainless activity I do on a daily basis (all while chasing children screaming in laughter at EVERY turn - absolutely no seriousness toward ritual activity whatsoever) I'm ready for a HUGE dirty martini. Like an 8 ounce-er.
In summation, after the crap storm today, I feel like a half dead jelly fish, ripped apart by a torturous yacht-y propeller, and left for dead on the beach at the highest heat point of the day and picked at by hungry seagulls, then stepped on by a passer by. Someone stick a fork in me, and throw me in the dump - I'm sooooooo done.
It probably didn't help that I was up until 12 am with husband last night, or that the youngest one was up at the a** crack of dawn with a nightmare screaming (poor kiddo). We were gallivanting around our hood in celebration of his birthday all night last night. Ok, ok, so it was fun, *delightful* in fact. Here comes the ever present "but"... BUT, it just so happens that this was the fourth day consecutively of little to no sleep (insert stress dreams here) and my level of utter and show stopping exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks slamming down on the concrete sidewalk from the top of the empire state building. You know you're in trouble when the second iced quattro espresso shot soy latte isn't even opening your eyes. OH YEAH. That's commonly referred to in my world as Dante's eighth level of hell. COMPLETELY unbearable, and especially so with a two and a half year old that has a store of energy at 6:30 am of which only bouncing in a bouncy house at an amusement park would satisfy. At 9:30 am my eyes would not even remotely open, that's when I knew I needed to pull out the big guns. I half sleepy eyed jokingly asked my toddler to go fetch me a HUGE Redbull from the fridge... when hubby (to my surprise *actually* heard me, meaning he was LISTENING - HOLY WOW) brings me a 12 ounce Redbull. Thank you dear god. I love this man right now.
So, fast forward, and it's 10:30 am. I have now cleaned the entire house (4,300 sq ft+) in the last hour (our home is on the market and at any second a potential buyer could request a "showing"), fed said toddler, and packed us to go on our errand run... 1st stop: CVS. Top priority is to get mommy some anti aging crap so I don't look like a skeleton walking in daylight or worse - Joan Rivers. Mainly because the stress of this life is stripping away any youth I ever had, and then some. Second stop: post office to pick up mail (because if I don't, I'll destroy my credit from all the late bills I will have to pay out of sheer neglect), third stop: grocery shopping (I'm so bare bones with food right now, I don't even have OJ and am getting creative with school lunches [read: fruit gummy bears and soy cheese with ritz crackers]), fourth errand: picking up big kid from school (which was also half-assed and late because little one decided to take a monster crap in her pants one minute before I needed to leave to pick up big kid). It was a melange of psycho paced activity from 10:30 am until 2:30 pm. I won't bother you with the in between of meltdowns, screaming at the highest octave whilst shopping, and she's trying to jump out of carts or dart out into street... nah, that's not worth typing. Basically it felt like a race to run through as many activities as you could within 4 hours for a million dollar prize. Except the million dollars is a facade, and I'm borderline hallucinating from sleep loss.
It all ended with kids eating the fresh dinner I made while I proceeded to do a massive spraying of widow spiders on my property with the most lethal spray I could get my hands on. This stuff is AWESOME. I watched as the little eight legged heathen devil Brown Widow spiders writhed in agony drenched in the spray. I'm sorry, I really do love nature, but I love my children more... and the thought of a property drenched in Brown Widow Spiders is not my idea of a safe abode for my kids. They stood no chance in the wake of mommy inspired, exhaustion fueled hatred. I got a HUGE honking one that was connected to my favorite chair on the deck - ACK! No doubt this was the culprit "mommy" spider giving heathen birth to all these little devils basking out on my deck. *F---!*
After the kids bath time, cleaning of the ears, hair brushing, and all the other brainless activity I do on a daily basis (all while chasing children screaming in laughter at EVERY turn - absolutely no seriousness toward ritual activity whatsoever) I'm ready for a HUGE dirty martini. Like an 8 ounce-er.
In summation, after the crap storm today, I feel like a half dead jelly fish, ripped apart by a torturous yacht-y propeller, and left for dead on the beach at the highest heat point of the day and picked at by hungry seagulls, then stepped on by a passer by. Someone stick a fork in me, and throw me in the dump - I'm sooooooo done.
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