Thanks for nut'in

Thank you, brown window spiders, for coming to my property, and making me afraid of death inducing bites on my butt every time I sit on my patio furniture. I love extremely toxic arachnid bites.

Thank you, dirty diarrhea diaper for exploding at a Japanese steakhouse restaurant, all over the car seat, my daughters last clean set of clothes and finally, my shirt.  That experience just makes me want to go out to dinner EVERY night.

Thank you city property tax employee, for making our conversation as pleasant as a colonoscopy with massive hemorrhoids.  You're demeanor was as warm as I imagine an icicle impaling my heart would feel.

Thank you, new postal employee who's filling in temporarily for the vacationing one, for returning my water bill back to the sender as undeliverable "not a legitimate address" because you can't recognize a new house on an old lot and deliver my mail... Ever.  I like teetering on the edge of knowing if my water will shut off... that's so exciting!

Thank you, migraines, for crippling me and reducing me to my knees every time a ray of sunshine breaks through the window or a sound enters my ears. Being coherent and able, and not bed ridden to a dark soundless cave is SO overrated.

Thank you, toddler, for not only slapping me, ripping hair by the root from my temples and kicking my face, but also for throwing a meltdown fit for a solid hour whilst screaming at decibels that would break glass directly in my ear - all the while I contemplate knocking myself out to end the pain of this experience. Childhood is so magical and beautiful.

Thank you, Diego, for being one of several preschool aged shows that literally screams at me to pet a frigging turtle (rendering it impossible to nap) while I am trying to distract my toddler for just an extra twenty minutes so that I may sleep for once in this god forsaken role of constant sleep deprivation.  I love your program, oh, and also want to see you choke on an Ostrich egg as soon as possible.

Thank you, toothless, creepy, gas station man, for smiling at me in a way that made me want to hide every pair of underwear and shoes I own for fear that you may follow me home and sniff or steal all of them.  Thats my favorite emotion, really.

Thank you, stalker, for making me change my number, remove myself from all social media, move from my home and hide behind a fake name for my protection.  I just adore living in fear of being discovered by a psychopath.  

Thank you, crossing guard, for not having any resemblance of a filter, and insulting everyone who walks past you on their way to dropping off their kids at school.  We definitely don't have enough judgement and frustration from our children in response to just GOING to school, your added commentary just makes the morning all the more FANTASTICALLY awful.

Things I learned this month

1) How to successfully be a hermit in a neighborhood full of friendly people.

2) That walking your kids to school doesn't compensate for being antisocial.  Nor does it equal BEING social.  You actually have to TALK to people, and look them in the eye.  Dang.   Must remember that.

3) Boring people to death with your incessant self involved dribble of woes everyday is really not as intriguing (or interesting) as you think it is.  The glazed over look really IS a sign of disinterest.  No it's not just my imagination.

4) The more I pluck, the more I have to pluck.

5) I hate plucking.

6) Spiders suck.  No, really.  I hate those little blood sucking demons.  If I'm so convinced that I can eradicate all the spiders on my property, while I am at it, I might as well take on Global Warming. 

7) Children's birthday parties scare me.

8) Vinegar is amazing.  I can literally do everything with it... wash floors, clean windows, sanitize toothbrushes...  I can make intricate patterned lace doilies of snowflakes out of vinegar, man... that stuff is crazy whack!  Just kidding.  Sort of.

9) There is a benefit to sleep loss, you end up REALLY chill.  You just can't give a crap anymore because your body is literally shutting down.  So I have that going for me... which is nice.

10) WTH is the point of the "Do not call" list if they call you anyway?  Even after you're on the list, they STILL call you... and you call them back selecting the option not to be called back.  Then they still call you.  Then you get a friggin auto dialer voice with some computer chuckling at your enraged response to the auto dialer ignoring your request to stop calling.  This happens 4 times.  Seriously.

11) I want to know how to make an auto dialer virus.  They're going down, baby.

12) I have internalized anger issues.

13) I actually like "Bubble Guppies".  I know.  I am shamed.