Things I learned this month

1) How to successfully be a hermit in a neighborhood full of friendly people.

2) That walking your kids to school doesn't compensate for being antisocial.  Nor does it equal BEING social.  You actually have to TALK to people, and look them in the eye.  Dang.   Must remember that.

3) Boring people to death with your incessant self involved dribble of woes everyday is really not as intriguing (or interesting) as you think it is.  The glazed over look really IS a sign of disinterest.  No it's not just my imagination.

4) The more I pluck, the more I have to pluck.

5) I hate plucking.

6) Spiders suck.  No, really.  I hate those little blood sucking demons.  If I'm so convinced that I can eradicate all the spiders on my property, while I am at it, I might as well take on Global Warming. 

7) Children's birthday parties scare me.

8) Vinegar is amazing.  I can literally do everything with it... wash floors, clean windows, sanitize toothbrushes...  I can make intricate patterned lace doilies of snowflakes out of vinegar, man... that stuff is crazy whack!  Just kidding.  Sort of.

9) There is a benefit to sleep loss, you end up REALLY chill.  You just can't give a crap anymore because your body is literally shutting down.  So I have that going for me... which is nice.

10) WTH is the point of the "Do not call" list if they call you anyway?  Even after you're on the list, they STILL call you... and you call them back selecting the option not to be called back.  Then they still call you.  Then you get a friggin auto dialer voice with some computer chuckling at your enraged response to the auto dialer ignoring your request to stop calling.  This happens 4 times.  Seriously.

11) I want to know how to make an auto dialer virus.  They're going down, baby.

12) I have internalized anger issues.

13) I actually like "Bubble Guppies".  I know.  I am shamed.

Funk Stew Recipe

While I was away in la la land, skipping and singing la la's... I basically lived off of this amazing stew that really satisfied my ravenous hunger.  I actually became a HUGE fan of this recipe, so much in fact, that I ate it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I never got tired of it.  Ever.  Perhaps it could use a little tweaking, and I'm sure there are a few substitutions that could be made here and there... but for the most part, it's perfect just as it is.  On a cold, rainy, windy, gloomy night, go ahead and make this for yourself.

FUNK STEW:

1 TSP of internalized rage (substitute with depression)

1 cup of WTF... Really?

1 cup of bewildered confusion

2 TBLSPN of loss of control

2.5 cups of severe social anxiety

8 oz. of endless analyzation

**you may add a good old fashioned pour of Vinegar, to increase the bitterness to mouth puckering "holy pucker batman" level.

*Additional notes/ variations for recipe: (thanks to some friends adding their $.02)

- Internalized rage solidifies into depression if you let it sit too long. (JW)

- A little Maylox may be helpful if you suffer from acid reflux and or bitterness. (EM)

- Garnish with a hearty dash of hopelessness and serve it w/ a bottle of Jack. (LH)

- Add an extra fifteen minutes of aggression and tantrum-ing. (W)

Mix the above together with a few dashes of fruitless worry and a handful of bullsh**.  Stir until all the ingredients form a hard unmoving ball of impossible-ness.  This dish is best suited as the main course of a formal dinner, and be sure to serve politely with a fork, knife, and white linen cloth.