Why diet when you can continue to just live your life every day, and in the process also expose yourself to a number of viral and bacterial infections guaranteeing you rapid weight loss? I've collected a few "diet" friendly illnesses for your Abbie Nourmel reading pleasure. They're a little unconventional, but, hey, what diet isn't nowadays?
1. The Stomach Virus Diet
Go to a mall bathroom, a preschool classroom, an elementary school or summer camp and touch at least twenty different doors or surfaces. Do NOT wash your hands or use antibacterial gel. Immediately bite your fingernails, or order a really messy sandwich that will ensure heavy finger licking and/or hand to mouth contact. Buffalo wings are especially effective for this purpose. Within 24-36 hours you'll be vomiting uncontrollably out of every orifice. This will last for 2-4 days. This diet is guaranteed to make you drop 5-7 pounds in 2-4 days.
2. The Flu Diet
This one is especially easy to catch - er - do during the winter months when you've packed on those pesky hibernation pounds. Also, as my kids preschool teacher found out, it is very accessible even in June or through the summer months. Hang around any public grade school or public recreation facility and make sure to touch the front doorknob. Another option is to volunteer at an urgent care facility or just sit in the waiting room of one asking random people if you can smell their breath. Within 2-5 days your entire body will feel so horrible that the thought of getting up off the couch to pee solicits feverish waves of emotional meltdowns. The feeling that Ebola is easier to deal with frequently comes to mind while in this state. Mainly because experiencing death over this flu seems like a wonderful gift from heaven. After about 6-7 days of feeling hotter than Mars and your body seems as if it's just endured a swim across the Atlantic Ocean, you'll start to feel the subtle signs of being on the mend. At the end of it all, none of your clothes fit, you've lost 10 pounds from a lack of eating brought on by sheer nausea and water loss from sweating profusely out of places like your neck, earlobes and belly button.
3. The Lung Infection Diet
Ah, the piece de resistance. My all time favorite. Or so my doctor seems to think, since I happen to catch variations of this little lovely EVERY SINGLE YEAR. We're besties, the lung infection and I. This one starts off harmless enough, with sniffles, a slightly off feeling and overall decrease in the ability to get a full breath. Within 1-2 weeks you are hacking so severely that you barely catch your breath before the next bout of chest spasms occur. Your eyes are bleeding slits from the force of the coughing and you are contemplating a job as the new mascot for RedBull. Forget about eating. You can barely drink water since everything you put in your mouth becomes a choking hazard. You thrive solely on your mucus and tears. Which there is plenty of, so no worries there. Once you're on medication for a week you finally start to resemble a person who isn't communicating a horrible airborne plague. Oh, and you have probably dropped about 5-10 pounds as a result of being unable to ingest anything. The bonus is that you have had one hell of a chest and abdominal workout for three weeks! Abs of steel!
Disclaimer: None of these diets are real. They are all real medical situations though. I am not a doctor. I have problems. I am also not an ANIMAL!
