Home crap home

Sigh. 

That is about the only thing that I can summon up as a response to a vacation home I rented on Cape Cod with my family for two weeks.  Don't get me wrong, it was quaint, cosmetically beautiful, decorated in the quintessential cape cod beach decor with a subtle hint of farm house element to it.  But... I got really tired of dealing with fifty carpenter ants a day (which were competing with the beach cockroaches for the food.)  Spiders, ants and bugs a plenty.  Our first hour there my kids went to use the upstairs bathroom and wash their hands.  The water was on a total of 2 minutes.  This flooded the bathroom floor, which leaked through the ceiling and onto the main bathroom floor (which was a second flood needing to be cleaned up.)  Perfect start to a vacation, right?  As we were mopping up the water from the floors, we simultaneously took care of multiple carpenter ants which had found a home in many of the walls inside the house.  They were merrily climbing on the walls, across the floors, over the furniture, around the windows... EVERYWHERE. 

The problems with the upstairs sink were fixed within three days of being there.  Just in time for the second sink to start leaking and flooding the floor on the main level.  That was fixed within a day, so that wasn't too terrible... But then the shower doors came off of their hinge in my master bathroom.  I was able to fix that on my own and set it back on its track.  Have I mentioned how the beds squeaked to high hell if you even so much as scratched your ankle with your toenail?  Oh, and they were as comfortable as an old, overused futon with a cheap foam layer on top.  Two of the windows broke within an hour of being there.  Yup.  I know.  As if all these things were not enough to have dealt with while on vacation (for only a week mind you), I went to wash dishes after breakfast (on the morning of day 7) and the water refused to come out of the faucet but instead only through the spray nozzle.  Humph!  What the hell kind of vacation home was this?!  It was falling apart!  And worst of all, I just paid GOOD money for two weeks to be an exterminator and a fix it girl. Insert-swear-words-here.  Considering the condition of everything else, an executive decision was made to just avoid use of the dishwasher and call it a loss.  YAY.

What's my point in all of this rambling, you ask?  Well, do your homework when looking for rental properties.  Don't make the same mistakes I made, because I made them in haste and in a fit of exhaustion trying to just book something before I went insane.  Just because something opens up in the area you want, doesn't mean you actually WANT that property.  Listen when the owner describes it as an updated "older" home.  Ya, OK... don't you mean, "falling apart and barely holding itself together?"  I'm reminded of that scene in "A Good Year" where Max Skinner becomes the owner of a broken down vineyard overnight.  Upon describing the condition of this new property to his real estate agent, his agent simply states, "We don't say shabby, Max, we say: filled with the patina of a bygone era."  This was filled with the patina of a crap-tastic poop hole.  It really did look great - ONLINE.  The pictures were wonderful, and it even looked pretty.  Sadly, the reality was totally different, especially when you had a chance to peel back the lemon rind. 

We decided to just make peace with our little crappy home while on vacation, and spend as much time outside of it as possible.  What other choice did we have?  Were we exhausted from being outdoors all day and night?  Yes.  Was the vacation fun despite the problems?  Yes.  Were the ants and cockroaches victorious is winning their domain over this building and forcing us out?  Yes.  Next time will I seek out any amount of luxury even if it's in the size of a closet?  YES. 

Win for the ants.  Loss for Abbie.

Where do you put your Big Ass?

Seriously.  It's a real question.  Because this is a real thing.  And I don't mean your buttocks.  Believe it or not, there really are items you can purchase under the name, "Big Ass..."

That is what I found out the other day while indulging in a Coastal Living Magazine, sitting on the couch, minding my own business.  It's very difficult for me to have a normal response to the mundane every day things in life.  This is especially so when I have such an easy target for my deranged humor.  And then there it was... Glowing like a beacon of light from the magazine pages. 

Big Ass Fans.
"You'll like the way it looks.  You'll love the way it feels."

Because, I mean, come on... Who doesn't love a Big Ass?  Can I say Big Ass a few more times?  I don't think that's possible.  *Trying to restrain myself from uncontrollable potty mouth humor.*  Nope.  Maybe one more for good measure?  BIG ASS.  Nope.  Still not enough.  Once you start the Big Ass jokes you just can't stop. 

Where do you like to position your BIG ASS?  I like to position mine in a room with style.  Or perhaps position it over the veranda to ensure maximum air circulation to my area.  I'm snorting right now, I can't stop the laughter. 

OK, OK, I'll stop now.

Oh, dear lord, yes please.  Thank you.  Roaring laughter ensued, followed by snarky cackles for at least an hour.  I plastered all the social media accounts with it and of course had to follow up with a blog about it.  This was the best little gem so far on my family vacation.  A vacation, which up until now, has been filled with sick kids and work pings for the husband.  AWESOME.

Thank you, Coastal Living Magazine.  (Wipes tears of joy.)  Thank you.

Top 3 Easiest Diets

Why diet when you can continue to just live your life every day, and in the process also expose yourself to a number of viral and bacterial infections guaranteeing you rapid weight loss?  I've collected a few "diet" friendly illnesses for your Abbie Nourmel reading pleasure.  They're a little unconventional, but, hey, what diet isn't nowadays?

1.  The Stomach Virus Diet
Go to a mall bathroom, a preschool classroom, an elementary school or summer camp and touch at least twenty different doors or surfaces.  Do NOT wash your hands or use antibacterial gel.  Immediately bite your fingernails, or order a really messy sandwich that will ensure heavy finger licking and/or hand to mouth contact.  Buffalo wings are especially effective for this purpose.  Within 24-36 hours you'll be vomiting uncontrollably out of every orifice.   This will last for 2-4 days.  This diet is guaranteed to make you drop 5-7 pounds in 2-4 days. 

2.  The Flu Diet
This one is especially easy to catch - er - do during the winter months when you've packed on those pesky hibernation pounds.  Also, as my kids preschool teacher found out, it is very accessible even in June or through the summer months.  Hang around any public grade school or public recreation facility and make sure to touch the front doorknob.  Another option is to volunteer at an urgent care facility or just sit in the waiting room of one asking random people if you can smell their breath.  Within 2-5 days your entire body will feel so horrible that the thought of getting up off the couch to pee solicits feverish waves of emotional meltdowns.  The feeling that Ebola is easier to deal with frequently comes to mind while in this state.  Mainly because experiencing death over this flu seems like a wonderful gift from heaven.  After about 6-7 days of feeling hotter than Mars and your body seems as if it's just endured a swim across the Atlantic Ocean, you'll start to feel the subtle signs of being on the mend.  At the end of it all, none of your clothes fit, you've lost 10 pounds from a lack of eating brought on by sheer nausea and water loss from sweating profusely out of places like your neck, earlobes and belly button. 

3.  The Lung Infection Diet
Ah, the piece de resistance.  My all time favorite.  Or so my doctor seems to think, since I happen to catch variations of this little lovely EVERY SINGLE YEAR.  We're besties, the lung infection and I.  This one starts off harmless enough, with sniffles, a slightly off feeling and overall decrease in the ability to get a full breath.  Within 1-2 weeks you are hacking so severely that you barely catch your breath before the next bout of chest spasms occur.  Your eyes are bleeding slits from the force of the coughing and you are contemplating a job as the new mascot for RedBull.  Forget about eating.  You can barely drink water since everything you put in your mouth becomes a choking hazard.  You thrive solely on your mucus and tears.  Which there is plenty of, so no worries there. Once you're on medication for a week you finally start to resemble a person who isn't communicating a horrible airborne plague.  Oh, and you have probably dropped about 5-10 pounds as a result of being unable to ingest anything.  The bonus is that you have had one hell of a chest and abdominal workout for three weeks!  Abs of steel!

Disclaimer: None of these diets are real.  They are all real medical situations though.  I am not a doctor.  I have problems.  I am also not an ANIMAL!